


Special Delivery

by elle1991



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Crack, Don't copy to another site, First Meetings, Funny, Grocery Shopping, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Meet-Cute, Online Shopping, POV Bucky Barnes, Sexual Humor, Vegetables
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:00:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elle1991/pseuds/elle1991
Summary: It all started as a dumb joke.Bucky would order ridiculous items from the grocery store, and the cute delivery guy, Steve, would deliver them.Perhaps Bucky got a bit carried away, because now the joke has gotten way out of hand - and Bucky has to convince everyone that he is NOT a perverted weirdo with a lust for vegetables...
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 65
Kudos: 171





	Special Delivery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Call_Me_Kayyyyy (Cheeky9274)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheeky9274/gifts).



> Inspired by an incredibly awkward real-life encounter with my actual grocery delivery man.
> 
> A big thank you to my friend [Kay](https://call-me-kayyyyy.tumblr.com/) who helped me come up with the idea for this story, cheered me on to write it, and created some amazing art to illustrate it!
> 
> We are so excited to share the results of this collaboration with you all. Enjoy!

Bucky hobbled over to the window in the world's most uncomfortable medical boot, pulling back the blinds to squint out onto the street.

He was waiting anxiously for his Whole Foods delivery. It was already two minutes late, and each passing second was making Bucky more and more agitated, convinced that he had somehow managed to fuck up his order and accidentally send his groceries to some random other Barnes on the other side of the country.

This was his first ever online grocery shop. His best friend Natasha liked to tease him for being a luddite – and, in all fairness to her, she was not wrong. Bucky was not interested in technology. He found it confusing, annoying and untrustworthy. He had never done any form of online shopping in his life – that was, until earlier that week, when he had broken his foot and been forced to place a grocery order from Whole Foods. Hence, medical boot. Hence, the anxious staring out of his front window.

The minutes trickled by. Bucky gnawed on his bottom lip. Had he ordered it wrong? Had he typed in the wrong address? Oh God, had he been scammed and sent his money to some criminal who was now laughing at his foolishness?! He was about to give up and call the store when, to his immense relief, a van pulled up outside his home, sporting the familiar green of the Whole Foods logo. Bucky limped to the front door, pulling it open just as the Whole Foods delivery man was about to knock.

Oh fuck, he was _hot_...

The delivery man had baby-blue eyes and blonde hair that looked so soft that Bucky wanted nothing more than to run his fingers through it. He was built like a Greek God, all sculpted muscle, his glorious biceps bulging as he carried a crate full of Bucky's groceries for the week. His lips looked soft and pink and had Bucky's mind going straight to the gutter. The man licked his lips – _God damn_ – before smiling brightly, his teeth perfectly straight and dazzling white.

"Hi, I'm Steve! Thank you for choosing to shop organic with Whole Foods," he said, before noticing Bucky's bulky medical boot, his eyes widening. "Oh! Do you need help? I can bring these right into your kitchen, if that'll be easier for you?"

Bucky tried to scrape together his last remaining brain cells which had not been instantly fried by Steve's incredible hotness, nodding as he pulled the door open wider to let him in.

"Yeah, that'd be good actually," he said gratefully. "Thanks."

Steve strode the short distance down the hallway to Bucky's kitchen, placing the crate on the kitchen table and carefully unloading the contents, as Bucky hobbled into the room after him. Bucky took a moment to appreciate the plump curve of Steve's ass as the other man unpacked his groceries, before managing to school his face into one that hopefully did not scream "pervert" when Steve turned back around to face him with a smile.

"There we go, all unpacked," said Steve brightly. "I'm just going to go through the list to make sure you have everything, OK?"

Bucky nodded, gesturing for Steve to continue.

"Sure," said Bucky.

Steve pulled a sheet of paper from his back pocket, reading aloud the items that Bucky had ordered and checking that they were indeed now sitting on Bucky's kitchen table. Bucky felt himself relaxing, relieved to find that his very first online shop seemed to have been a success. It did not hurt that Steve had a voice so gorgeous that Bucky would happily listen to him reading the phone book. Steve finally reached the end of the list, his gaze flicking from the sheet of paper in his hands to Bucky's kitchen table one last time.

"...and one eggplant," said Steve. "Oh wow, look at it, it's a really big one!"

Without thinking, Bucky winked cheekily, the dumb joke already coming out of his mouth before his brain could intervene and stop him.

"Good," smirked Bucky. "I like my eggplants real thick and long."

There was a beat of excruciatingly awkward silence, Bucky's lewd innuendo hanging in the air between them like a fart. Steve immediately blushed bright red, biting his lower lip, lowering his gaze with flustered embarrassment, before looking back up at Bucky beseechingly through his thick eyelashes. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ How the hell was it possible for a man to look so gorgeous in the middle of such a hideously embarrassing moment?! Bucky scrambled to save the situation, forcing out a laugh as he waved his hand jovially.

"For cooking, of course!" said Bucky.

Steve immediately looked relieved, his cheeks going from red to a rather distracting shade of pink, letting out an audible sigh of relief before laughing adorably.

"Oh, yeah... for cooking. Of course!" said Steve.

Bucky smirked. It was obvious that Steve had _not_ been thinking about cooking, but Bucky did not press it, instead grinning at Steve, who was now smiling at him with the sweet innocence of a puppy.

"What did you say your name was again?" said Bucky.

"Steve. Nice to meet you."

"Do you always do the deliveries round here?" said Bucky.

Steve nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah," said Steve. "On weekdays, anyway."

Bucky smiled to himself.

Maybe online grocery shopping was not so bad, after all.

* * *

That evening, Bucky decided to place an order for next week's delivery.

It was easy enough. He had a shopping list already written out from before, so it was simply a case of carefully typing in the items and making sure he did not do something stupid like order 100 cucumbers instead of one. He reached the end of his shopping list, his mouse hovering over the "Place order" button, when he remembered the gorgeous hunk who had delivered his groceries, Steve.

Heat pooled in his nether regions as he remembered Steve's bulging biceps and perfect ass. His masculine jawline had been sharp enough to cut glass, such a gorgeous contrast to those soft, beautiful blue eyes framed by thick, voluptuous eyelashes. Bucky smirked as he remembered the adorable way Steve had become so very flustered at Bucky's crude joke about loving huge eggplants. Steve's reaction had been priceless; his wide-eyed awkwardness at the idea of Bucky _loving_ large, phallic vegetables pure comedy gold.

Bucky sniggered to himself as an idea began to form in his mind, going back to the search bar to add a few more items to his order. Bucky had always been a practical joker. He loved pranks, tricks and harmless jokes. Grinning broadly, he added three decidedly outrageous items to his order: an eggplant (extra-large), condoms (pack of 12) and a small bottle of lube. He snorted with laughter as he imagined the look on poor Steve's face when he would deliver them the following week, giggling away to himself as he finally clicked the "Place order" button.

Just then, his mobile phone began vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out, smiling when he saw the name on the screen.

**_Incoming call..._ **

_Natasha Romanoff_

He answered the call, his best friend's familiar voice immediately filling his ear with her signature dry wit.

"My God, it's a miracle, the luddite has learnt to answer his phone," deadpanned Natasha. "Should I buy a lottery ticket?"

"Hey, Nat," smiled Bucky. "It's nice to talk to you, too."

He heard her laugh on the other end of the phone. He could imagine her red hair bouncing around her shoulders, her green eyes crinkling with mirth. Natasha was his best friend. They had known one another for years, ever since high school, where the two of them had been misfits together; too geeky to hang with the cool kids, too alternative to fit in with the nerd gang.

"It's my birthday party next month," said Natasha, getting straight to the point. "It's going to be a costume party. My apartment. You're coming."

"Do I get a choice?" said Bucky.

"Bucky!" said Natasha, sounding hurt. "Are you telling me you _don't_ want to come to your best friend's awesome birthday party?"

"I never said that," smiled Bucky. "Sounds good. What's the theme?"

"Halloween," said Natasha.

Bucky blinked, unsure if he had heard her correctly.

"You're aware it's _June_ , right?" said Bucky.

"It's my birthday party, I can choose whatever theme I want!" said Natasha, sounding slightly offended. "Anyway, it's a month away, so you have plenty of time to get a good costume sorted out."

Bucky smiled to himself, bemused but entertained. Only Natasha would choose to have a Halloween-themed party in the middle of summer. His mind wandered to his box of party costumes. He was fairly certain he had several spooky outfits that would be suitable.

"Alright," he said. "I'll be there. So long as something cooler doesn't crop up between now and then."

"Nothing's cooler than Halloween," Natasha said confidently, before changing the subject. "How's your foot?"

Bucky grimaced, looking down at his chunky medical boot.

"Broken, but getting better," he said. "I've got this big boot thing; it's meant to keep my foot stable while it heals. Hurts, though."

"Aww, Bucky-boo," said Natasha, sounding surprisingly sympathetic. "Do you need any help with stuff? I can come over with groceries, if you want."

"It's fine," said Bucky, before puffing out his chest with pride. "I've started doing online grocery shopping. Did you know you can order food from the internet?"

There was a beat of shocked silence, before Natasha let out a theatrical gasp. Bucky could almost imagine her slapping a hand dramatically over her open mouth, her green eyes wide with mock astonishment.

"My _God_ ," said Natasha. "Food, from the internet?!"

"It's true," said Bucky.

"I didn't even know you could _use_ the internet!" sniggered Natasha.

Bucky face-palmed, shaking his head.

So much for sympathy.

* * *

Bucky found himself very much looking forward to his next grocery delivery.

Waiting for Steve to pull up in his green van one week later was a little like waiting for Santa at Christmas when he had been a kid. There was that same giddy sense of excitement and anticipation, that same tantalising promise of a gift. Except, this time, the gift was not some perfectly wrapped festive present, but the delightfully naughty prank that Bucky had set up the week before.

Perhaps it was a little sad, to so look forward to a mere grocery delivery, but rather than focus on that, Bucky chose instead to concentrate on the impressive, round tautness of Steve's ass as he cheerfully carried Bucky's groceries through to the kitchen.

"There you go!" said Steve, placing the crate of groceries on the kitchen table and quickly unpacking the items. "How's your foot?"

"Oh, getting better, thanks," said Bucky. "The doc hopes it'll be fully healed in the next four weeks."

"Fingers crossed!" said Steve, flashing him a dazzling smile as he finished unpacking the final bag of items. "Alright, I'm just going to go through the list to make sure everything's here, OK?"

"Sure," said Bucky, struggling to look casual as he fought not to let his excitement show on his face.

Steve began reading off the items on the list, making sure that everything Bucky had ordered was now sitting on his kitchen table. The list was printed in the same order as Bucky had added the items to his shopping cart, which meant that it was completely ordinary – right up until the end.

"...one eggplant, extra-large as per your instructions. Uh... one box of condoms. And, uh, one bottle of lube..."

Steve immediately blushed bright red, visibly flustered as his gaze darted from the eggplant, to the condoms, to Bucky's face in one rapid, horrified triangle. Sweat was erupting on Steve's forehead, his blue eyes wide with shock and burning with curiosity. It took all Bucky's reserves of inner strength not to burst out laughing when Steve's wild eyes met his own, the expression on Steve's face one of pure, transfixed horror, clearly wondering whether Bucky was some kind of crazy eggplant fucker.

Bucky did not hide his enjoyment of the situation, a shit-eating smirk on his face as he picked up the large eggplant from the table and looked it over with an expression of immense satisfaction on his face.

"Ooh yeah, baby," said Bucky huskily, addressing the eggplant. "I'm going to _enjoy_ you!"

A strangled sound came from Steve's throat, his eyes bulging as if his brain were struggling to process the onslaught of horrifyingly suggestive information. Bucky could see him desperately trying to remain professional, but eventually Steve's natural human curiosity won out, the words tumbling from his lips before he could stop himself, his cheeks going an even deeper shade of red as he spoke.

"What... what are you going to do with that eggplant?"

Bucky winked at him, wiggling his eyebrows enthusiastically.

"What _aren't_ I going to do?!" grinned Bucky.

Steve went, if possible, an even deeper shade of red. For a split second, Bucky thought he saw something twitch in Steve's trousers, but before he could be sure, Steve had grabbed the empty crate from the kitchen table, holding it rigidly in front of him. Flustered and awkward, Steve took one last look at the eggplant in Bucky's hand, before wrenching his gaze from the vegetable to look Bucky in the face.

"Alright, got to go!" said Steve. "You have a pleasurable day!"

For a moment, Steve froze, his eyes widening in horror at his choice of adjective, hastily rushing to correct himself with a panicked smile.

"I mean, a _good_ day!" said Steve. "A _great_ day! I... Thank you for shopping organic with Whole Foods!"

Bucky saluted him with the eggplant, giving him a bright grin as poor Steve gave him one final appalled look, before heading for the door.

"Thanks, Steve!" said Bucky cheerfully. "See you next week!"

* * *

The next time Steve came around to deliver his groceries, the shopping list was chock-full of as many innuendos as Bucky could think of.

As was now customary, Steve brought the crate through to the kitchen, unpacking the items for him, before reading the list aloud. As he made his way through the list, Steve's face got redder and redder, Bucky's grin getting wider and wider with each outrageous item.

"...one bag of nuts..."

"I love nuts!"

"...one eggplant..."

"Extra-large, I hope!"

"...one bag of carrots..."

"They're not skinny carrots, are they? I need something _thick_."

"...one cucumber..."

"Ooh, yeah... That's a good one. Nice and girthy!"

"...two tennis balls?!"

"I love balls."

"...one pack of condoms?!"

"Very important, for what I have in mind."

"...and one small bottle of lube..."

"Also very important!"

Steve stared at him, a stunned, appalled expression plastered across his face. He was obviously bursting with curiosity, a dozen questions on the tip of his tongue, but professional courtesy meant that he could not just ask Bucky _what the hell_ was going on. After a long moment of silence, in which Steve visibly wrestled to hold his tongue and Bucky struggled to fight back a violent fit of giggles, Steve finally spoke, his voice tentative and his cheeks flushed red as he cringed hard.

"I... I don't want to know what you're going to do with those vegetables, do I?" said Steve.

"Probably not," winked Bucky.

Steve stared at him for a long moment, before suddenly smiling, shaking his head, a bemused expression on his face.

"OK, man," said Steve. "What you do behind closed doors is none of my business. Have a fun time!"

Bucky winked at him, grabbing the eggplant and the lube as he grinned with delight.

"Oh, I will!" said Bucky.

* * *

The next grocery delivery would forever be seared into Bucky's memory as one of the most embarrassing, mortifying, cringeworthy experiences of his entire life.

One week later, he was waiting for Steve to arrive with his delivery. As per usual, he had ordered, alongside his actual groceries, two extra-large eggplants, a bottle of lube, and a box of condoms – this time with a note requesting that the condoms must be large enough to cover the eggplants. He imagined the look on Steve's face when he would deliver the items and read out the note, sniggering away to himself as he waited by the front window. Bang on time, the familiar green of the Whole Foods van pulled up outside his home. Bucky got to his feet eagerly – his foot was healing well – limping over to the front door to welcome Steve into his home.

He pulled open the door with a grin, before blinking with stupefied confusion at the sight in front of him. Standing on his doorstep, dressed in the Whole Foods uniform and clutching his crate of groceries, was not Steve, but _Natasha_. He stared at her for a long moment, his eyes frantically scanning her red hair, green eyes and decidedly un-Steve-like face, his brain struggling to process what was happening.

"What the hell are you doing?" he said finally.

"Delivering your groceries," said Natasha. "What the fuck does it look like? Thank you for shopping organic with Whole Foods."

"But… but you don't _work_ at Whole Foods!" said Bucky.

"Says who?" said Natasha.

Bucky stared at her helplessly, floundering in a sea of confusion as she cocked her head to the side, observing him as if he were some vaguely curious exhibit at the zoo.

"Why... why didn't I know you work at Whole Foods?" said Bucky.

Natasha smiled mysteriously, her green eyes alight with amusement as she put down the crate on Bucky's front step and began removing the bags of groceries and placing them just inside the front door of his home.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," smirked Natasha.

Bucky spotted the bag containing the eggplants, lube and condoms and quickly grabbed it from the crate, not wanting Natasha to notice the contents. It seemed to work. Natasha did not comment as she unloaded the final bags and placed them just inside Bucky's hallway. She straightened up. Bucky smiled, giving her a jaunty wave.

"Alright, thanks!" he said. "See you later!"

Natasha frowned, picking up a clipboard from the bottom of the crate.

"We're not finished yet," she said.

Bucky glanced down at the sheet of paper attached to the clipboard, his insides freezing over when he realised what it was. The list. The shopping list. The crazy God damn shopping list which spelled out exactly what Bucky had ordered – including the note requesting that the condoms be large enough to accommodate a girthy eggplant. Panic immediately engulfed him, his heart rate spiralling out of control as sweat erupted across his forehead. Under no circumstances could he allow Natasha to read that. Natasha's green eyes flicked down to the list, causing terror to stab Bucky in the heart.

"Where's Steve?!" blurted out Bucky, desperate to say something, _anything_ , to delay the inevitable.

"What?" said Natasha, looking confused.

"Steve!" said Bucky, slightly hysterically. "The blonde beefcake! Delivered my groceries for the last three weeks!"

"Oh, _that_ Steve," said Natasha. "He doesn't work at Whole Foods anymore. Last week was his last week with us. Now, I'm just going to go through the list, to make sure you have everything, OK?"

_Oh no. Oh no. Oh no._

"One bag of potatoes, one cauliflower..."

"Stop!" screeched Bucky.

"What?!" said Natasha.

"You... you don't need to read everything out!" said Bucky desperately. "I'm sure it's all fine!"

Natasha frowned, both puzzled and irritated by Bucky's bizarre behaviour. Her fingers tightened around her clipboard, tossing back her head to get a stray auburn curl out of her eyes.

"I have to do this," she said curtly. "It's my job. As I was saying: one cauliflower..."

Seeing his options rapidly diminishing, Bucky made one last-ditch attempt to save his dignity, snatching the clipboard from Natasha's hands. Natasha's nostrils flared with anger, her green eyes narrowing as she snatched it right back.

"What the hell has gotten _into_ you?" she snapped. "Let me do my damn job!"

Bucky stood there helplessly, his cheeks burning hotter and hotter as Natasha made her way through the shopping list. She held the clipboard out of Bucky's reach, going through the list quickly and efficiently as she made sure everything had been delivered. A feeling of dread mounted in Bucky's stomach with every passing second. The list was perfectly normal – right up until the end.

"...two eggplants, extra-large. One small bottle of lube. One box of condoms – with a note: condoms must be large enough to accommodate the eggplants..."

Bucky felt a piece of his soul shrivel and die with shame. His cheeks blazed red as he willed the ground to open up beneath his feet and swallow him whole. He was cringing so hard that it was amazing he did not rupture something. He could not remember feeling more humiliated in his entire life. This was worse than the time he had accidentally spurted a milkshake out of his nose on a date. This was worse than the time he had worn white boxers at the swimming pool after forgetting his swimming trunks. This was even worse than the time he had accidentally cast porn onto his neighbour's smart TV.

Natasha, on the other hand, did not look embarrassed at all, although she was staring at him with an expression that said, very unambiguously, _what the fuck_. There were several long moments of excruciatingly awkward silence, before Natasha finally spoke, cutting straight to the point with her usual no-nonsense aplomb.

"Are you going to fuck those eggplants?"

"No!"

"I think you are!"

"No, please, I can explain!" said Bucky, wringing his hands desperately.

It was imperative that Natasha understand the situation. He could not live with the thought that his best friend might think he was some kind of deranged pervert with a lust for vegetables. It was intolerably embarrassing. Before he could speak, however, Natasha had confidently launched into a detailed explanation of why Bucky should reconsider what he inserted into his anus.

"Eggplants are the wrong shape for sticking up your ass," said Natasha. "With the anus, there's nothing to stop objects getting lost up there and getting sucked up into your intestines. It's dangerous, Bucky; you could end up in hospital."

Bucky choked on his own breath, his body apparently unable to handle the embarrassment of the situation.

"If you want to do anal play, you need to use something with a flared base," Natasha continued smoothly. "A specially made dildo is best, but if it _has_ to be a vegetable for you to get horny, use a butternut squash, not an eggplant! At least a butternut squash has more of a flared base."

Bucky's embarrassment levels surpassed some critical point. This could not be happening. His best friend actually thought he had an uncontrollable desire to fuck vegetables. He had to fix this situation, _immediately_.

Swallowing back his humiliation, he tried to school his bright red face into something approximating dignity and spoke as calmly as he could. What came out was actually more of a desperate whine.

"Natasha, _please,_ you have to believe me," he begged. "This was all just a dumb joke I played with Steve! I don't actually, you know, do _butt stuff_ with vegetables!"

Natasha raised an eyebrow sceptically. It was clear that she did not believe him. Bucky felt a fresh wave of mortification wash over him. His best friend thought he was a super-horny weirdo who fucked eggplants on the regular. How was this his life?!

Natasha put the clipboard back in her crate, turning away to head back towards her van.

"Natasha!" said Bucky. "Please, believe me!"

Natasha turned back to face him, her face totally serious as she spoke kindly but firmly.

"I'm not judging you," she said, before looking him straight in the eye and pointing at the eggplants poking out of the grocery bag in Bucky's arms. "But don't you fuck those eggplants, Bucky Barnes. Don't you do it!"

* * *

Two weeks later, Bucky's foot was finally better, just in time for Natasha's birthday party.

He turned up at her flat dressed as a pumpkin, because _of course_ Natasha wanted it to be Halloween-themed, irrespective of the fact it was the middle of summer. His pumpkin outfit was round, puffy and bright orange, his arms and legs sticking out hilariously.

He knocked on Natasha's front door, waiting patiently to be let in. He thought briefly about the fact that this was the first time they were seeing one another since the excruciatingly embarrassing grocery delivery two weeks prior. He fervently hoped it would not be awkward, but before he could fret about it, he heard quick footsteps on the other side of the door, and then it was flung open, Natasha grinning as she pulled him in for a tight hug.

Bucky smiled as he wrapped his arms around her, before pulling back to admire her outfit. Natasha was dressed from head to toe in black lace, a witch's hat perched on her head, fake blood dripping down her chin. Her lips were rouged with dark red lipstick. Black eyeshadow with green sparkles completed the look. She looked badass.

"Happy birthday!" said Bucky.

Natasha beamed in response, ushering him into her home, where the party was already in full swing, music pumping as various spooky guests hung around chatting, drinking and helping themselves to snacks laid out on a side table.

"You didn't fuck that eggplant, did you?" said Natasha, smirking as she took a sip of her drink.

Bucky blushed, glancing around hurriedly to make sure no one had overheard Natasha's outrageous question. He hissed for her to be quiet, before fixing her with an imploring expression.

"No!" he said. "Please, you have to believe me, it was just a stupid joke!"

Natasha smiled at him sympathetically, clearly not believing him.

"It's OK, I'm not judging you," she said kindly. "Being horny can make people do all kinds of crazy things. I just want you to be safe about it. Eggplants aren't the right shape for that kind of play."

Bucky blushed, if it were possible, even harder. Somehow, Natasha's kindly concern was even worse than if she were mercilessly laughing at him. He stood there helplessly, resigning himself to the depressing fact that his best friend would forever think he was a bizarre pervert with an unnatural attraction to eggplants.

Just then, he heard a snort of laughter, before a familiar voice to his left spoke up.

"I have a _bone_ to pick with you!"

Bucky turned, his eyes bulging when he saw none other than _Steve_ standing there, a wide grin on his face. He looked as gorgeous as ever, but this time he was not wearing his green Whole Foods uniform, but a tight-fitting skeleton outfit. White and black face paint made his face look like a skull, but he was still unmistakably, unquestionably Steve. Bucky was so stunned to see him – and, admittedly, so distracted by the sight of Steve in such sinfully skin-tight clothing – that it took a moment for Steve's terrible pun to fully register.

_Bone. Skeleton. Oh, dear God..._

Out of the corner of his eye, Bucky saw Natasha slink away discreetly, leaving Steve and Bucky alone. Steve smirked as he nodded meaningfully at Bucky's pumpkin outfit, his blue eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Wow, pumpkin... You sure have a thing for vegetables, huh?" said Steve.

That was it. Bucky could not take it anymore. He was drowning in an ocean of embarrassment. He would surely die from the cringe. He could vividly picture his tombstone: _Here lies James Buchanan Barnes, probably an eggplant fucker, died of shame._

"I never fucked those eggplants!" Bucky said desperately. "It was just a dumb prank, I swear!"

Steve raised his eyebrows sceptically, smirking with amusement.

" _Sure_ ," said Steve, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "That's a likely story..."

"Please!" begged Bucky, throwing away all attempts at dignity. "I'm not a total freak! You've got to believe me!"

Suddenly, Steve smiled, his eyes filled with warmth and good humour as he nudged Bucky gently with his elbow.

"Have a drink with me and I might start believing you," said Steve.

 _Wait... what?_ Bucky's brain struggled to catch up with the abrupt turn of events. Was Steve _flirting_ with him? Before Bucky could organise his thoughts into a coherent response, Steve was holding out his hand and formally introducing himself.

"I'm Steve Rogers," he said. "I used to work with Natasha. How do you know her?"

"Bucky Barnes," said Bucky, shaking Steve's hand. "I'm a friend of hers from high school."

"Nice!" said Steve.

"I don't fuck vegetables," added Bucky, because it really was essential that Steve understood this crucial piece of information about him.

Steve cocked an eyebrow.

"What about skeletons?" he said.

Bucky almost choked, his eyes bulging out of his head as he stared at Steve dressed in his skin-tight skeleton outfit. Steve chuckled at Bucky's response, his eyes crinkling with mirth.

"You have _no_ idea how hard it was to stay professional when I did your deliveries," said Steve. "I knew you were trolling, and I wanted to troll you back so bad."

"Oh God," said Bucky.

"But I don't work at Whole Foods anymore, which means now I can troll you back as _hard_ as I want," smirked Steve, winking as he put emphasis on the word _hard_.

"Oh shit," said Bucky faintly, taken by the distinct feeling of having opened a veritable Pandora's box of innuendo. "I've created a monster. What have I started?"

Steve smiled, suddenly looking shy as he looked at Bucky through his eyelashes.

"Maybe the start of something special, if you like?" Steve said softly.

Bucky stared at him, his heart doing all kinds of flips in his chest as he realised that, in his own adorable way, Steve had just asked him out on a date. A smile slowly spread over Bucky's face. He gazed into the beautiful blue of Steve's eyes – this beautiful, sweet man who was apparently sassy enough to troll him back just as hard as Bucky had trolled him – and reached out to take his hand.

"Yeah," smiled Bucky. "I'd like that."

**Author's Note:**

> STORY ARTWORK: My talented collaboration partner [Kay](https://call-me-kayyyyy.tumblr.com/) created [this amazing artwork](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528752) to illustrate this story! Thank you, Kay, for creating this brilliant art and for all your cheerleading whilst I wrote this fic!
> 
> MASTERPOST: I've created [this masterpost](https://ao3-elle1991.tumblr.com/post/639307341785874432/special-delivery-a-collaboration-between) on Tumblr to promote this fic and its artwork. If you've enjoyed this story, then please hit that "re-blog" button and share it with your fandom friends!
> 
> THANK YOU: Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this work, please feel free to comment below with your thoughts or hit that kudos button! I love interacting with readers <3
> 
> KEEP IN TOUCH: Don't be a stranger, keep in touch! I am on Tumblr as [ao3-elle1991](http://ao3-elle1991.tumblr.com).
> 
> FUTURE STORIES: If you want to get an email whenever I post something new, then click on [my profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elle1991) and become a "User Subscriber". Be aware that this is DIFFERENT from the Subscribe button on the top of _this page_ , which is for _this story only_ :)
> 
> OTHER STUFF I'VE WRITTEN:
> 
> [Steve And Bucky's Kinky Alphabet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11776473) (176,544 words) - 26 chapters of alphabetised porn-with-plot featuring Steve and Bucky. Or: the dark fic where JARVIS goes rogue and kidnaps the Avengers, and Steve and Bucky fuck a lot and fall in love.
> 
> [Time After Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16652011) (124,026 words) - Steve, Iraq war veteran and long-time loner, feels like his life is stuck in a rut. So, when Natasha invites him to a masquerade party at a kink club, he throws caution to the wind and decides to go. There, he meets the mysterious Winter Soldier.
> 
> [Hot Summer Nights](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24215473) (105,218 words) - Steve enjoys two beautiful weeks in the picturesque English village of Thornton-le-Dale, during the hottest British summer for 50 years. The little B&B he is staying at is gorgeous - as is his fellow guest Bucky, the newly-single hunk staying in the room next door.
> 
> [Vengeance](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7285612) (51,573 words) - Bucky falls from the train. Steve will do anything to take revenge on those responsible for his death - even if it means joining HYDRA.
> 
> [Memento](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19268359) (31,043 words) - Steve awakes from a coma in a post-apocalyptic world - with no memory. Will he ever remember his past, or why he feels so drawn to fellow survivor Bucky?
> 
> [Dear Steve](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20904116) (16,767 words) - What if Bucky never fell from the train and was never captured and frozen by HYDRA? Dear Steve is a series of love letters written by Bucky for Steve, starting in 1945.
> 
> [Dear Bucky](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22116628) (16,980 words) - Dear Bucky is a series of love letters written by Steve for Bucky, immediately following on from the events of Dear Steve.
> 
> [The Penthouse Suite](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25339414) (15,873 words) - Sex worker Bucky has the chance to earn $5,000 in one night. All he has to do is go to the penthouse suite of a luxury hotel and spend the night with his client, Steve. The catch? Steve is a massive pervert, intent on using Bucky to satisfy every single one of his many debauched kinks.
> 
> [The Adventures Of Steve Rogers, Newsboy Extraordinaire](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15153170) (11,161 words) - 7-year-old Steve has Selective Mutism. When Steve finds himself confronting a dangerous criminal, will he find the courage within himself to save the day - and even find his voice?
> 
> [The End Of The Line](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7088617) (3,433 words) - Bucky falls from the train to his assumed death. Steve has to come to terms with a world without him in it.
> 
> [Turkish Oil Wrestling](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7013452) (2,620 words) - Steve and Bucky decide to have a wrestling match to settle an old score. Cue them stripping down to their pants, getting oiled up and engaging in a vigorous wrestling match that leaves them both hot and sweaty.
> 
> [In Memoriam: James Buchanan Barnes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7924684) (120 words) - A grief-stricken Steve writes a poem in honour of his best friend.
> 
> And more... Click my profile to see all my fics! <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Art] Special Delivery](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528752) by [Call_Me_Kayyyyy (Cheeky9274)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheeky9274/pseuds/Call_Me_Kayyyyy)




End file.
